Emotions In Motion - 2 Samuel 18-19

Have you ever been surprised by an emotion? Like someone in your life will do something - and it’s not that big of a deal, but you have a really strong reaction? And you’re just sort of like - woah, where did that come from? Like maybe it’s a family member or a co-worker, and they’re always doing stupid stuff (anybody else have family members who are professionals at doing stupid stuff?) - and they’re always doing that nonsense, but for some reason this time it just sets you off like a ticking time bomb. And I think it can be really hard in those moments to figure out - where do I go with this? Do I blast out my frustrations on the internet? Do I bring it home for my wife and kids? Do I scream out the window of my car at the other drivers? Where do we go to process surprising emotions? You know, thousands of years ago - there was a place that was designed for dealing with stuff like this. 

Imagine a city in the ancient world. They have crude, but effective walls encircling the main portion of the city. But at the entrance of the city there’s a massive opening, sort of like an archway. And once you walk inside, sand from the dessert billowing into your eyes - but gratefully the wind dies down as you get inside the walls, and then you see that, just to the right and the left when you walk in, there are these little alcoves on either side, with benches built right into the wall. Right at the entrance of the city, there were these little places to gather. And actually, for hundreds of years gathering at the city gate was central to civic life, serving as a public forum for leaders and elders. The practice is described across ancient texts, including the Hebrew bible, AND they back it up with archeological findings of the built in benches and chambers within city gate complexes. I’ve been there - I’ve actually seen these gathering places, and we see the practice going back to the time of David and further, back to Abraham. In some of the stories we have the elders of the city, or even the king would sit at the gate and settle disputes. In the time of Judges, that’s where they would set up shop to deal with the issues of the people. In the book of Ruth this guy Boaz goes to the city gate to publicly do the legal transaction and redeem land. Marriages happened at the city gates, commercial transactions, government affairs - even just public announcements. They didn’t exactly have the Byron Center and Surrounding Area Community Group on facebook to spread messages - but they did have the city gates. They could post decrees for those who could read - but most of the time they’d get up in front of everyone and just yell. It was also a place of immense relationship. If you lived in a city, and you had a fight with someone in your family - and you both storm off, you could always reconcile, meet back together at the city gates. The city gates were a lynchpin that held entire communities together. “I’ll see you at the gates” was a statement of community, connection. 

It’s a little harder nowadays to build that community and connection - isn’t it? I feel like we have all these devices and apps, a thousand ways to connect and yet as people - we are further apart than ever. You can, right now if you want, reach into your pocket and type up a message. That message will go into outer space, bounce off some metal that we sent up there on a rocket ship, and then come down on the other side of the planet right exactly into someone else’s pocket in seconds. And yet last week in Ohio, lawmakers proposed a bill banning people from marrying AI robots. I wish I was making that up. People are finding that these chatbots are easier to talk to than real people - and so they want them to be recognized as legal people so they can get married to them. Because who wouldn’t want a relationship where you have all the power and the other person always agrees with you. It’s like we’ve forgotten how to connect, how to build relationships - how to heal brokenness, process emotions, overcome struggle. We lost the city gates, and with it our ability to build relationships. Have you ever had a relationship you wish you could walk away from - but you can’t? Whether it’s work or kids or living situations - you’re just kind of stuck with that one thorn in your side? 

Today is the start of a brand new sermon series called Brick By Brick, and for the next few weeks we are going to get the essential building blocks needed to construct meaningful connections - in our marriages, parenting, friendships, co-workers. Brick by Brick, week by week, together we will learn how to lay a foundation that can grow stronger over time. Because strong relationships are not born, they are built - if only you have the tools to do it. 

And to kick us off in this series, we are going to dive into a story about King David and so if you want to grab your bibles - we are going to be in 2 Samuel, and we’ll mostly be in the end of chapter 18 and the beginning of chapter 19. For this series I’ll be using the NIV translation - this is the same translation that is on the back wall, if you wanted to grab a physical bible to follow along. 2 Samuel, chapter 18, verse 33 tells us, [read v.33]. Now, a little bit, we are walking right into the middle of an explosive family drama. Have you ever done that? Where you walk into a room and it’s very clear the two people were just having like a really awkward or intense argument - but they stop when you walk in and so it’s just this tension in the air? Nobody says anything, but you can sort of feel it - do you know what I’m talking about? We have just walked into a very tense situation with David and his family. He is grieving the loss of his son Absalom. Now, I think most people know some of the big stories of David - David and Goliath, David and Bathsheba - we know some of the stories. But at the same time, the reign of David, especially his relationship with his kids, is SUCH a hot mess, and some of the details are SO awful - I think a lot of people don’t know about it. Now I’m not going to ask you to raise your hands - but just think about this, how many of you have family members who cause drama in your life? Or maybe it’s not family members - i think for a lot of us it’s family, but it could be a co-worker, it could be a neighbor - are there people in your life who cause you to feel a certain way… about them… and your life… and the decisions in your life that brought you into contact with them. If that’s you in your life - I want you to feel comforted by the fact that you are not alone. We all have drama somewhere in life, and even King David - a man after God’s own heart, a hero of the faith - even his family was a hot mess. So if you’ve got some hot mess in your story, you are in good company. This story of David and his son is like a mirror for so many of us - abuse, death, betrayal, unforgiveness, estrangement, anger, bitterness - these are ingredients you can find in every life. 

And so we walk into this story - David is pacing back and forth above the city gates, weeping over his son Absalom - but in order to understand, we have to back up a little bit. If you flip back a few pages, back to chapter 15. Absalom got in a big fight with his Dad, it was some drama with his sister, he killed his brother and then ran away - a whole big thing. Then a few years go by and David reaches out, trying to fix the relationship, trying to heal after the terrible things that happened in the past. He’s mad at his son for the bad things he did, but he also misses his son - and he wants to fix it, he wants to reconcile. And so Absalom comes home, but they never did fully reconnect - David and Absalom. They sort of started the healing process, and then left it in the air. They never processed the emotions they were going through. Pete Scazzero writes that, “unprocessed emotions don’t die - they get buried alive.” In our lives if we don’t close the loop - if we don’t deal with the brokenness and process the emotions - it’s still there, stirring beneath the surface. And what we’re going to see is that unprocessed emotions have a way of coming back. David and his son never actually deal with the emotions they are going through - and so then, at the start of chapter 15, Absalom starts a rebellion against his dad - but watch how he does it. Chapter 15, verse 2, [read v.2-6]. That sneaky little weasel. Do you see what he’s doing? People come to talk to David, remember - the city gates are a place for relationship. But Absalom is waiting just outside the gates, greeting everyone and saying, “Oh the king does not want to listen to you. I want to listen to you. If only someone would appoint me the judge.” And in this way he stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

Absalom convinces a big chunk of the people to follow him instead of his dad - and a civil war breaks out. And the whole time they are fighting - in chapter 15, 16, 17 and even into 18 - the whole time, David is trying to win this fight without killing his son. He was really hoping to settle this dispute without losing another kid. But that’s not how it happened. And Absalom dies and David finds out at the end of chapter 18. And that’s when we walked in, [read chptr 18:33]. And this incredible moment. Because Absalom was a real stinker. He did a lot of really bad stuff, killing his brother, running away from home, starting a rebellion. But even with all of that stuff, David the dad is heartbroken. Some of you guys are parents - you understand. No matter how far gone our kids are - there’s always a little part of us that hopes. And David weeps. And it’s okay for David to weep. It’s okay to react and have a human response to the brokenness of the world. Emotions are not our enemy. When we are confronted by the broken world, our first reaction might be the most real thing we do. In fact I would go so far as to say that having an emotional reaction to brokenness is a holy thing. It is sacred, because it is how God reacts too. A little bit later in the bible, there’s a book called Hosea, and in it God speaks to his child, Israel. And he says in chapter 11, Israel I raised you. I taught you how to walk, I bent down to feed you. How can I give you up? My heart is torn within me. My compassion overflows. We worship a God of emotions. A God of anger and joy, humor and weeping. Emotions are not the enemy. David responds to loss with grief, showing us that it’s okay for us to respond. 

But the story’s not over. Back in 2 Samuel, chapter 19 it says in verse 2 [v.2-4]. So David is having a very human reaction - but his soldiers are watching. His army is returning from battle - victorious! But then they see their commander is weeping. It’s like, “We win! Oh no, you’re upset that we won.” And so they feel guilty. It says they feel like deserters, they’re feeling ashamed for what happened. And so it’s this really complicated tangle of emotions. And what we see in this is that our emotions are valid, and it’s okay to have them - but they leak into the people around us. Our emotions affect the people around us - and I think that’s why a lot of us try to tamp it down. Don’t feel. Conceal it. I don’t want to affect anyone around me, so I’ll just hide my emotions. But remember what we learned from Absalom’s civil war - unprocessed emotions have a way of coming back. So the solution is not “tamp it down.” This isn’t the movie Frozen - “conceal, don’t feel.” 

But watch what happens next, verse 5, [read v.5-7]. So Joab comes in and gets a little tough love on David. Sort of slaps him around and says, “hey, snap out of it.”  It’s okay for you to have these emotions, losing your kid and all that, but you need to deal with this. Process these emotions so you can move through them. Don’t let your weeping turn into wallowing. You were a father to your son, but you are also a king to your people. We can’t just tamp emotions down, because unprocessed emotions have ways of coming back. Emotional reactions are valid, but we can’t just stay there on the surface. Unprocessed emotions leak into the people around us. And so our first reaction is not the full reaction. The knee jerk response of our heart is not the end of the story. We need to move through our emotions, process them and heal. Emotions are not the enemy, but they are also not the boss. And people who don’t process their emotions end up getting ruled by their emotions.And look what happens, verse 8, [read v.8a]. David gets up. He has dealt with his stuff, and he returns to the gate. And do you remember the importance of the city gates. The city gates are a place of community and connection, a place of healed relationships. David going back to the city gates is SO significant because it shows us that processed emotions can bring us back into relationship. 

You know a couple of weeks ago I got to go to that conference 41 hours. It was at the Amway Grand Hotel, and one of the talks was from a guy named Chris Conrad - District Superintendent in the Wesleyan church. And he gave a talk that I’ve been referring to in my head as the “Get Curious” talk. And he talked about how a lot of us move through life, and we have reactions. Something happens and we react to it. But what he was encouraging us to do was to ask the question, “Why did I react like that?” If you want to process your emotions, you have to get curious about them. Why do I act like that? Maybe someone does something in your life, and it just sends you into a blind rage - don’t just assume, “this happens, I get mad” - ask why that happens. We all know that emotions are like icebergs [put picture of an iceberg on the screen]. The stuff we see is just that little bit at the top. When Chris Conrad was saying “get curious” - he was inviting us to dig into it. See what’s underneath the surface. I think about the story of David weeping over Absalom - and I had to go back five chapters to dig into it and figure out what was underneath his tears. If you want to heal relationships in your life, to love people like Jesus loves, then the first brick we lay is processed emotion. And the way we get there is by getting curious. 

So I did this. I saw something in my life and I got curious about it. And if I’m going to ask you guys to do it - I should go first. As a pastor, some of you know - I have my hands in everything. I love doing kid ministry, student ministry, worship music, preaching, missions, volunteering with hand 2 hand. I want to do it all, and I’m really bad at asking for help. I have this fear. And I got curious about that. For a long time I just accepted it. Eh, that’s just how I am. I love doing stuff, and I don’t like asking for help. But then I had a Joab come into my life - slap me a little bit, “hey, you’ve got to process this. Figure this out because it’s keeping you from relationships.” And so I sat down and I got curious and I tried to get under the surface, tried to dig a little deeper. Hey, how come you feel like you always have to do everything? Why are you so bad at asking for help? And I realised something about my life. A lot of you know, I’m a pastor’s kid and we’ve lived in a lot of places, and served in a lot of churches. And every time we left a church, the church would struggle. When I was little we lived in a town called Oxford on the east side of the state. We were there about ten years, and we moved away when I was 12, and I loved that church, and the new pastor came in and cancelled the sunday school programming. I don’t know why he did it, I never heard the reasons, I was just a kid - but I watched from a distance as the church suffered and shrank. I was in a new school, new church - but I kept hearing stories about their struggles. And that happened a bunch of times. I watched churches struggle when other people took over. Churches that I cared about, people I loved - hurt because of a bad transition or a pastor comes in and does something wrong, makes a bad choice with programming, not a good fit. Or even just stuff that we can’t control - like COVID. That’s nobody’s fault - but my experiences taught me that if I don’t have it in my hands, if I’m not in control of it - people I care about get hurt, and they struggle. So I got really good at holding on to everything. I learned not to trust other people, don’t lean on anybody else. People can lean on me, but I can’t lean on other people. I love to give help, but I am garbage at asking for help. 

And then I came to this church last year, and God has been doing a number on me - let me tell you. Last summer, our kid ministry leader went home for the summer and we didn’t have a worship leader. I was doing everything. I was trying to figure out Hand 2 Hand, pick songs every week, train up life group leaders, prep the lessons, and you know - preach or whatever. I was even the one doing the communion elements, in the back cutting them up before service - because I didn’t know how to ask for help. And I’ve been telling this story since February - but God had a teaching for me. And I’ve been realizing that this is not my church, this is our church. And so we brought Katie onboard, and it just pshew [put your hand up and to the right] - took off. She’s done such an awesome job with worship. And so now I get to play with the team every now and then - I don’t have to. And Jenn Rubick took over Hand 2 Hand coordination, and Jordan Ramirez took over as mission representative. I even figured out how to ask for help with communion. Lynn Smith offered to help with scheduling for the Kid’s ministry - which is my least favorite part and that was so huge. And those are just a few names - but there’s dozens who have stepped up to help me learn how to accept help. I got curious about some emotions in my life, and I dug a little deeper and I processed some stuff - and like David returning to the City Gates, it led me back into relationship. I’m learning to accept help. I’m still pretty bad at it, I’ve got a long ways to go - but this place has been the best training ground for my heart. And what we have seen is that God has blessed and rewarded that every step of the way in OUR church.

The good news that I have for you today is that God is not afraid of your emotions. [put the picture of the iceberg back on the screen]. He knows exactly how deep the waters of your soul go, and he wants to meet you there. And processing our emotions leads us back into relationship. So whatever you are feeling - whether it’s anger or sadness, hope or guilt - God will meet you in that place. It’s the same with sin and brokenness in your life. Some of you are still living far away from God. Like maybe you heard of him - grew up going to church or something like that - but you’ve never dedicated your entire life to him. You give God the surface stuff, what the world sees above the water - but you’ve never gone deep. Just like processing emotion - this is how we deal with brokenness in our life. Hey I got this emotion - I’m going to get curious about that. Hey I got this sin in my life, this brokenness - I’m going to get curious about that. Recognizing that it’s there is the first step. I got sin in my life and I want to get curious about it, I want to do something about it. And I realize there is a God out there who made me, and he made me with purpose - and I’m missing it. I’m not living the way I should, I’m not living with meaning. I’m not living in relationship with the God that’s out there. God’s not afraid of your emotions, and he’s not afraid of your sin either. And I’ve said this before, but it’s worth saying again - You can give your life to Jesus in a moment. You can decide to dedicate your life to Jesus in an instant. And if that’s you here today - I hope that you will listen to that nudge from God this morning. I hope you will take that step. We dedicate our lives to Jesus, for some of us that means baptism - which is just when we declare it. I am going to become a follower of Jesus. I’m going to claim that publicly. I want to trust in him to forgive my sins. You can give your life to Jesus in a moment - and that’s on top of the water. But then there is a deeper work that goes on under the water. There’s this thing - we call it the Holy Spirit. And we say to God - I don’t just want you to forgive my sins, I want you to transform my heart. We tell God, send your Holy Spirit to set up shop inside my life. Work on me. Transform me - to make me more like Jesus. Salvation happens in a moment, but transformation - that takes a lifetime. 

And so to close this morning - I have two challenges for you. If our goal is transformation, processing emotions that brings us back into relationship both with the people in our lives AND with our God - how do we do it? And to answer that I have two challenges for you. First - get curious about your life. Don’t stay on the surface level - ask, why did I react that way? Where did this emotion come from? How can I process this to bring me back into relationship? First thing I want you to do is get curious. My second challenge is actually to help you get curious - it’s something called the Four questions activity. I did this six months ago and it changed my life. Now I want you to take these questions home, and I want you to spend like a half an hour with each of these questions. Get a notebook with a blank sheet of paper, write that question on the top - give yourself twenty minutes and then go. So that’s your homework - do that this week. But right here, right now - what we’re going to do is give you space for prayer. And the worship team is just going to create that environment for us. And we’re going to put the four questions on the screen, and give you a minute or two with each question and I want you to bring an unprocessed feeling to God in prayer. The four questions go like this: What am I angry about? What am I sad about? What am I anxious about? What am I glad about? Angry, Sad, Anxious, Glad. And for each question I want you to take just a minute - reflect on the emotion and then bring it to God. What are you angry about - bring it to God. What are you sad about - bring it God… you see how it goes? Bring one unspoken/unprocessed feeling to God in prayer - right here this morning. Let’s pray.

[have a countdown slide for each question. One question per slide, one minute per slide].