Mind Games - Joshua 22

So this past week, I threw up a prompt on an app called “Threads” - which is basically just Facebook’s version of Twitter. And here’s what I said, [put screenshot on the screen] “hey help me out - what’s the funniest misunderstanding you’ve ever had with your kids?” And I love doing stuff like that because the comments never disappoint. There was one where a lady was driving with her child in the back seat and they drove past a police car pulled over next to a traffic accident. The little girl said, “mommy what are those flashing lights?” And the mom replied, “Sometimes when you have an accident the police come.” And that little girl was terrified, because she thought if she wet her pants, had an accident, the police would come for her. Here’s one [put it on the screen]. It says, “My daughter when she was very young thought that chick peas came from chickens.” Or this one made me laugh, [put it on the screen] “My daughter came home from school the other day and told me she had a “fruit margarita for lunch…you know, like all the bits of fruit together”  She meant a fruit cocktail. There was one that was a little boy listening to his parents discuss the business they ran together. They were talking about firing one of their employees and the little boy was mortified that his parents would set someone on fire just because they weren’t a good worker. Or this one, [put it on the screen]. I said, “that man is dead to me” while talking about my daughter’s dad one day. (apparently they had a fight). A few days later, her teacher called me to give her condolences. This girl told folks he died. [laugh]. 

Misunderstandings can be hilarious - we know what we meant, we see what they thought we meant - it’s hilarious. But what about when it’s not that funny? Because here’s the thing about misunderstandings - they’re really only funny AFTER you’ve found some clarity, right? In the moment it’s panic! Fear - maybe even anger. And if you never do work it out - misunderstandings can lead to heartbreak, or even be tragic. How many movies - both comedies AND tragedies are based on misunderstandings? How many fights in your life, how many wars in our world? How many lost relationships are due to a simple misunderstanding. How many of you have ever lost a friendship or a relationship due to a misunderstanding?

Today, we are continuing our series called Brick By Brick. If we want to build healthy connections in our life - we realized that we have to build it one step at a time, brick by brick. This series came out of a conviction that strong relationships are not born, they are built. It takes heard work - the sweat, blood and tears of your life to build strong connections between you and the people around you. If you want to win in life - to live in connection the way your God in heaven designed you to - we have to go back to the basics. Now last week we talked about emotions - we watched King David process some really complicated emotions and it taught us something about how working through our stuff brings us back into relationship. But today we’re going to look at how to deal with misunderstandings and assumptions. 

Now in a minute, we’re going to dive into the book of Joshua - which comes from the old testament. But before we eat, I’ve got to set the table a little bit. If you’ve been to church before - you’ve probably heard of that guy Moses. Pretty famous story, the 12 tribes of Israel are slaves in Egypt, Moses comes along and God uses Moses to set his people free. Parting the Red Sea, Mount Sinai, Ten Commandments, wandering the dessert - all that stuff. So then Joshua is the next guy, who takes over after Moses. Joshua is the guy who actually completes what Moses started. So imagine the 12 tribes, loosely connected - they’re not united into a kingdom yet, but they travel together. So they get into the promised land, and the land gets divvied up between the tribes. It sort of looked like this [put a map on the screen]. Now if you don’t know, each of those red labels, that’s a tribe of Israel. Some of them are bigger than others - there’s that HUGE one in the middle Manasseh. But if you look real close, you might notice the blue line that cuts down the middle. There’s a little circle up top - that’s the sea of galilee, then there’s the blue line of the jordan river going down to the bigger blue spot which is the Dead Sea. These are all real places, the boundary lines are all different nowadays - but a couple thousand years ago, this is what it looked like. And to give you a sense of the scale - they estimate the whole space is roughly 12,000 square miles, which is about the same size as Lake Michigan. You can fit the whole thing inside Lake Michigan. But it’s important to see that the Jordan river cuts right through the middle of the thing. This is a major geographic dividing line. In modern Israel, they don’t go east of the Jordan River, that’s a whole other country.

Okay, so keep all that in your mind as we jump into the book of Joshua, chapter 22, verse 10. And while you’re looking that up - let me just say, there’s a bunch of names and stuff - and this is a little industry secret, pastors don’t know how to pronounce the names either. I’ve taken hebrew, I know my greek - but even for me, it’s my best guess. So if you’re ever reading your bible and you’re like, “How on earth do you pronounce that name?” Yeah - we’re on the same level. We do our best. Pronunciation has literally never been the point. Chapter 22, verse 10. [read v.10]. Can we put the map back up for a second? So we’re talking about the guys on the right side of the map. The reubenites, the gadites and half the tribe of Manasseh - you see it, right? That’s all the ones east of the river. Verse 11, [read v.11-12]. Woah! What? Woah, what just happened? We’ve got these tribes, you can call them the west tribes and the east tribes - and one side of the river builds an “imposing altar” whatever that means. Verse 10 - they build an altar, verse 11 - the other tribes hear about it, and verse 12 - they assemble to go to war! I feel like we missed something! Whatever the Eastern tribes did - somehow they REALLY ticked off the other tribes. 

But have you ever had that in your life? Have you ever done something you thought was no big deal, and the reaction was WAY bigger than you expected? Have you ever been just sitting there and you think you’re doing fine - but then someone just blows up on you and you’re completely baffled? Where did THAT come from? What did I do? If you’re a husband in the room and you’re not nodding your head, you’re a liar. And maybe it’s our fault. Have you ever heard that joke - yesterday my wife turned to me suddenly and said, “Are you even listening to me?” And I thought to myself, what a strange way to start a conversation! [laugh]. Or for my kids, the amount of times they’ll turn to me and say, “Dad, why are you yelling?” And it’s like - “because I said it 15 times already using my inside voice, and you just missed it.” And so maybe the tribes of Israel weren’t listening, or maybe the source of anger was never said! Sometimes we have expectations - but we never say it out loud. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and it seems like they had the first five minutes of the fight in their head before they started talking? And so you’re kind of playing catch up? I do this all the time to my wife - my poor wife, she’s amazing, but the amount of times I will start a sentence that makes NO sense because the first half of it was all in my head. And she has so much patience to say to me, “okay stop - focus - finish the sentences out loud.” Over in the new testament, James chapter 1, verse 19 tells us [read v.19]. I think James has a good word for the Western tribes of Israel AND for each of us here today. James says, “quick to listen, slow to anger” and I think that has a lot to do with jumping to conclusions. In fact, I would go so far as to say - most of the conflict in our relationships happens because we try to read minds instead of using our words. We assume - and you know what they say about assuming? We’re not going to go there! Back in Joshua, verse 13. [read v.13-14]. So the tribes on the west side of the river are gathering for war - but first they send a group of leaders, a little search party for the truth. They want to find some clarity. Rather than jump right into battle, they pause - even just for a moment - they pause. This is quick to listen, slow to anger perfectly portrayed. And what I want you to see from this little moment is that there is great wisdom, in our lives, in taking a second to search for clarity. In this case it’s a literal war they’re trying to avoid - but for you it could be the difference between laughing off a little misunderstanding versus ruining an entire weekend. And can I tell you what it is for me? When I have a moment in my life when I feel like the reaction I got didn’t match what I was expecting - the question I use is not, “what did I say?” The question I’ll ask sometimes is, “wait, what did you hear?” Because it doesn’t matter what I said - what matters is what they got from it. And that one little question can save HOURS of misunderstanding. And I know that can be frustrating. You might think, “it’s not my fault - that’s NOT what I said.” And you might be right, maybe they’re doing a bad job of listening - but also, maybe you’re doing a bad job of communicating. And I know that it seems really simple, but I’m telling you - this stuff saves marriages. And not even just marriage - that’s just a really easy example, but co-workers, children, siblings. I have repaired relationships with my brothers and stopped an argument before it even got started by backing up, and asking the question, “Wait, so sorry - what did you hear me say? Because maybe that’s not what I meant, and I’m really sorry about that” There is great wisdom in taking a second to search for clarity. 

So the Western tribes send out the clarity search party, and they meet with the Eastern tribes and they say, “How could you break faith and turn your back on God?” And even that’s sort of confusing - but as we get into it, what we realize is that when the Eastern Tribes built that “imposing altar” the Western tribes thought they were turning away from God. They thought this altar was to worship something else. And they bring up stories from their past. Verse 17 says, [read v.17]. Now maybe you know your bible better than I do, but I had no idea what they were talking about, and so I had to go look it up. What’s Peor? An I found out that it’s a story from back in the book of Numbers, where some guys were seduced by some ladies who worshipped a different God - and they ended up bringing ruin and plague down on the tribes of Israel. And then 3 verses later, they reference another story about a guy named Achan. Sort of the same deal - back in Israel’s history a guy named Achan was unfaithful to God, worshipped other gods, resulted in losing military battles. And so by digging into the past a little bit, what we discover is that the Western tribes actually might have some good reasons for freaking out about this altar. Multiple times in their past - these people have experienced incredible tragedy. And this shows us something really important - past experience can be helpful, we can learn from them - but they can also encourage us to jump to conclusions. 

Let me show you what I mean - in my house, we’re a little bit crazy. We have five chickens, three cats, a dog, and I think there’s some kids running around too. Our life is messy and chaotic and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now THIS is our dog Raven. She’s a beagle, who has perpetual puppy face. She’s actually 11 years old, that’s an old lady dog - but her face still looks like that. I know what you’re thinking - adorable. But you are wrong! This is the face of pure evil. Between those soft, floppy brown ears is a criminal mastermind. Behind those giant brown goo-goo eyes lies a devious minion of darkness. To put it mildly she is an absolute stinker. She will literally steal candy from a baby. And I know that because she has stolen food from every single one of my children when they were little. If you leave unattended food on the table she will literally jump on the chair and eat it right off their plate. And she’s sneaky about it too. Now the way our house is situated, I have my favorite spot on the couch - but from the couch I can’t see around the corner. But I know my dog. We also recently picked up another pathetic life form - we got a new kitten. Her food dish is around the corner. And even if we put it up where the dog can’t reach, Raven will climb up to get into the cat food. That’s right! This absolute maniac steals food from baby humans AND baby kitties. And this happens like ten times a day. There’s a very distinct rustling sound. So it goes like this. I’ll be sitting on the couch, and I hear the rustling. So I give the warning - Raven. Usually that’s enough - she’s been caught, she knows what she did - she slinks back to her pillow. But one time, I hear the rustle. And she had already emptied the kitten food once that morning, i JUST refilled it - so I was already primed and frustrated. So I yelled good and loud - Raven, get away from the cat food! Now I think I’ve made a decent case here that I was justified in my suspicions. So I yell good and loud, leaning forward looking into the kitchen - and suddenly little miss innocence popped her head up off her pillow on the other side of the room. And I was so thrown off because I was falsely accusing my puppy of stealing. She was totally innocent. So what was making the rustling sound? Well, someone ELSE had climbed up on the table - [put up the picture of Maggie on the table]. Now I know what you’re thinking - adorable. But you are wrong, that is the face of dastardly cleverness. I had good reason from my past experiences to believe that it was Raven doing something naughty - but sometimes past experiences can encourage us to jump to conclusions. We see it most often with the phrase, “Well he ALWAYS does that…” or “Well she’s ALWAYS like that..” - have you heard this? We use the word “always” and turn it into a reason, into an excuse so we don’t have to search for clarity. 

The Western tribes, they listed it - they had lots of reasons from their past, traumatic stories - reasons to freak out over what the Eastern tribes were doing. But then, as we get down into verse 21 and after - the Eastern tribes respond. [Read v.21-25]. So long story short - the Eastern tribes built this altar NOT against God, but because they are located east of the river, and they were worried their kids would feel far away from God. They built the altar as a way to stay connected - it was actually the opposite of what they thought. And then it wraps up in verse 33, [read v.33-34]. And so this time - it’s a happy ending. The two sides of the river decide there’s nothing wrong - they go home and take off the war paint, no reason to fight today. And here’s why this matters - in your life, you are going to be confronted with suspicions. We live in a broken world full of a lot of broken people - and our experiences have taught us to protect ourselves by jumping to conclusions. And when you are confronted by suspicions - you have a choice. You can attack based on assumptions OR you can seek clarity. 

Suspicions→ assume and attack → division

Suspicion → seek clarity → resolution.

Attacking based on assumptions - win or lose, whether you were right or wrong - it always results in division. But seeking clarity often results in resolution, not always, but often. You defuse the bomb, calm the waters, live to fight another day.

The good news that God’s word has for us this morning is that clarity is kindness. And this is not just something we see in an altar dispute for ancient Israel - we find this deep in the character of who God is. For all of human history - human beings have had a hard time understanding the thing that is out there. Some people call it a higher power, or whatever - but regardless, most of humanity is convinced on a deep, gut level that there is SOMETHING more. And God could have stayed hidden behind the veil. God could have left us to our own devices and stayed quiet. Our understanding of God is that he is all powerful, all knowing, invisible and everywhere. There’s no way our little human brains could know him - unless he chose to reveal himself to us. That’s the only way we could ever know about God is if he came and told us who he is. Hebrews chapter 1, verse 1 and 2, let’s put that on the screen. Throughout history at many times and in various ways - God has shown us who he is. But, and here’s the kicker, in these last days - it’s all Jesus. Jesus clarifies who and what God is. 

There have been a lot of moments in history when people have assumed they knew what God was all about. They assume he is here for judgment. They assume he is here for shame. They assume he is here for guilt, and to show his power and terrify us. But Jesus came to bring clarity to who and what God is all about. I know I’m jumping around the bible a lot - but what I’m trying to show you is that this truth about God is stamped on practically every page of scripture. John 3:16-17 [read it.] Salvation. Forgiveness of sins - which we all desperately need - that is available to anyone who believes in Jesus. Our God is not a God of condemnation. He is not a God who assumes and jumps to conclusions. Our God is a God of reconciliation - slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Jesus came to clarify who and what God is. Because clarity is kindness.

And so now I always like to send you guys out with some action items: a challenge or two for you to work on this week. The first one is probably super obvious - my challenge for you this week is to choose clarity. It is worth taking the time to double check to make sure what you heard is what they meant. Maybe they did say something awful - maybe they were actually trying to hurt you and they really ARE just being a big fat jerk. But before we draw our lines and put on the war paint - take the time to send out a search party looking for truth and search for clarity. First challenge - choose clarity. 

My second challenge is for you to check your own expectations. Ask yourself, are you being unfair to the people in your life who love you - before you’ve even started the conversation? And I really want to put some meat on this real quick. In the world of expectations - you can be clear or unclear. Now unclear expectations are unconscious, unrealistic, unspoken and unconfirmed. Unconscious just means things you didn’t even know you expected until you’ve been disappointed. I talk about this a lot with premarital counseling - couples that are getting ready to get married, we have to talk through some expectations - because sometimes we just assume that we are on the same page, and then get mad about it, even though nobody ever actually clarified it. “Well I just assumed that we would do this…” well, that’s not fair - how were they supposed to know that? Unrealistic, unspoken - I remember when Sara and I first got married, we had some funny expectations around watching TV. I personally, I am TERRIBLE at paying attention when there’s a tv in the room. It’s like there’s a magnet for my eyeballs on the screen - and I’m just drawn to it. For Sara - screens are no big deal. She’s able to have a conversation even with the TV on. But we realized very early on - that is unrealistic for me. If you want to talk to me - we’ve got to at LEAST mute the tv if not turn it off completely. And this is the same for all relationships - whether it’s the kids or co-workers, that annoying neighbor or that one cousin that drives you crazy every Thanksgiving. Sometimes we have to check our expectations, because unclear expectations are going to lead to conflict. 

Now, at the same time - clear expectations are conscious, realistic, spoken and confirmed. Like I think about emails or text messages - I think a lot of us who use emails on a regular basis, we all have rules for what we expect with emails. I expect them to respond inside 24 hours, or maybe I expect an email by the next business day, or I expect good grammar. Or with text messages - I don’t expect a response because it’s late at night or too early in the morning. And we’re carrying around all these expectations - and experiencing disappointment, which builds resentment and all of it could have been avoided if we check our expectations. We do this in the church too, don’t we? Some people come into church with a pile of expectations - I assume they’re going to do this, or do that - and a lot of times, people are happy to do those things. Most of us LIKE meeting other people’s expectations, but first we have to know about them. Unmet expectations rip apart churches, marriages, families, co-workers and siblings. But if we take a moment to search for clarity - it brings us back into relationship.

An illustration from CS Lewis helps me understand. Imagine you were shown a hotel room, and they tell you that it’s the honeymoon suite. Because it’s the honeymoon suite, your expectations will be high. You’ll walk in and expect plush carpet, spa, champagne - and if it’s not there, you’ll be disappointed. On the other hand, if, before you go in the room, you’ve been told that it’s a jail cell. And you walk in to just a normal hotel room - you’ll be delighted to find even a few modest comforts. Assumptions erode trust, but clear expectations builds trust. Clarity is kindness, and so if you want to rebuild trust - choose clarity and set clear expectations. Let’s pray.